Stay in Love — Practice The Alienation Effect
Three ways how the Alienation effect can make you fall in love with your partner all over again.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, people are asked to practice social distancing. I believe people in love should practice a particular type of distancing as well — sure not a physical one.
The Alienation Effect
In literary theory, there is a concept called ‘Estrangement’ or ‘Alienation effect’. The term was first coined by genius playwright Bertolt Brecht regarding theater performances and stands for making the dramatic scene on stage ‘strange’ to the audience.
By doing so, the audience is hindered from simply immersing in the play. Whether the viewer accepts or rejects the material, is based on a conscience judgment, rather than on subconscious influence. By discouraging a solely emotional connection to the characters, Brecht challenges the intellectual empathy of the public, or what we nowadays call emotional intelligence.
This differentiating of the receiver from the object of interest is also what makes the big difference between conventional entertainment and a quality thought-provoking experience.
1. Make things strange
Not only theater plays, movies, and books are objects of critical observation and intellectual empathy — people are, too. Russian formalist Viktor Shklovsky says that ‘making strange’ is the essence of all art. I believe it is also the essence of all love.
Way too many relationships are breaking because people are immersing in heterotopic spaces which prevent them from an objective and more sensitive perception of their partners. We speak of falling into ‘dull routines’ but there is a way to pull us out of them.
2. Break that fourth wall
What breaks the fourth wall in the theatre and enables the audience to objectively view the characters is the same thing that allows us to fully experience our partner — direct communication.
I can’t stress enough how important direct and honest communication is and how often people misunderstand it. Communication scientist Paul Watzlawick made the iconic statement:
“Man kann nicht nicht kommunizieren” (One can not not communicate)
and as much as this is useful for media and NLP specialists, simply storming your partner with words and storming out won’t persevere a long-lasting healthy relationship.
For direct communication to work, just as in the theatre, you need an atmosphere of undivided attention and looking at your partner is part of it, even when it is uncomfortable. Try to create a loving space and consciously show it with your words, but also with your body language and tone. If you see that your loved one is already upset, you don’t get to decide whether he has the right to… Deliberately show them that you want to find out the reasons and work on them. A way of getting there is always telling the truth, even if your voice shakes.
Hiding feelings and fears from your partner is a ticking bomb. The later it explodes, the more damage it does. Truth is beautiful and it will set you free, so turn your face to it, not your back.
After all, don’t forget it takes two for tango.
3. Let your partner be your someone new
There is a very beautiful song called Escape (The Pina Colada Song) about a couple that got tired of each other. The man read a personal column in the local newspaper about a woman who likes Pina Colada and making love at midnight. He responded to the add and met the woman in a bar only to find out that it was his own sweet lady. In the end, they both laughed.
Relationships that go over a longer time span often end up because people simply don’t go the extra mile to find out who the person next to them is becoming. By practicing the Alienation effect, we can objectively see our partner in a new light. Isn’t it silly that at some point we start losing the spark and searching excitement with ‘someone new’, while we oversee the newness in our partners? I believe every human being is an evolving universe and as long as you create a safe space, you can always explore beautiful new sights of it.
What if you could make the familiar strange again and discover a new mind — even more intruguing than before?
